“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.” Genesis 2:24 (NIV)
The week that Jase and I were married, back in the dark ages of 1990, was full of activities. Family was arriving, dresses were being altered and tuxes were being picked up from the rental shop. It was a fun, exciting time full of promise and hopes of a bright future. If you know my dad at all (and especially if you follow him on Facebook), it won’t take you long to realize how much he loves me. He is always complimenting me and telling me how proud he is of the woman I’ve become. He is a positive, energetic, God-fearing, man and has been this way for as long as I can remember.
So, when he stopped me in the hallway of our house one day during that festive week, took me by the shoulders, faced me head on and stated, “Missy, I need to tell you something very important”, it definitely got my attention. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “When you get married on Friday, you can’t come home.”
What? Where in the world did this come from? Maybe I didn’t hear him correctly. So, I asked him to clarify.
Again, he said, “You are not welcome to come back to this house to live after Friday night.”
Needless to say, I was completely offended! My dad didn’t want me anymore? I’m sure I had a look of horror on my face, which lead him to finish with one last thought: “When you have problems with your husband, and you will, you’ll need to work them out. Your mom and I will be here to help you however we can, but you’ll have to go home to your husband.”
Problems? What on earth is he talking about? I’m about to get married to the man of my dreams! What problems could we possibly have?!
Ha!
Twenty-five years later, I still remember that short conversation like it happened yesterday. In fact, I just shared it with Reed and Brighton this past weekend as we were talking about their upcoming wedding and marriage. I also told them about the times that I laid in bed crying and wishing I was back at my parents’ home in the comfort of my upstairs bedroom without all of these challenges and disappointments of my new life. Then I would remember what my dad told me, and I knew I had to go talk to Jase about it.
When we’re young and in love and getting so much wonderful attention from the people around us, it’s completely normal to get caught up in the excitement. But in reality, those of us who have been married for any length of time can honestly say that the excitement of the nuptials will quickly dissipate into a harsh dose of reality. And what is left are two people coming from two different backgrounds from two different families with two different sets of baggage, habits and quirks, and we have to figure out how to make it work.
God was well aware of this situation when he created the union of marriage. He knew our bodies would grow old and we wouldn’t be as attractive to each other as we once were. He knew that we might face financial hardships and have to make hard decisions on how to do what’s best to feed and take care of our families. He knew we might be faced with the death of a child and wants us to rely on each other for support. He created marriage for the specific reason that He did not want us to be alone.
Genesis 2:18 states, “God said, ‘It is not good for the Man to be alone. I’ll make him a helper, a companion.’”
Jase knows everything there is to know about me, my attributes AND my faults, and he has still stuck with me for over twenty-five years. What a blessing to know that he is committed to me no matter what we have gone through and no matter what our future holds. When we said those vows, we had no idea what was waiting for us in the future. But God did. God does. He knew it all when he created the institution of marriage long before we ever existed.
Now that my oldest son, Reed, has chosen Brighton to be his wife, he needs to love her more than he loves me. And I, as his mom, need to understand that. There is no place in a marriage for a man to love his mother more than he loves his wife. And there is no place in a marriage for a mother who hasn’t accepted that. I’ve been abundantly blessed with a mother-in-law who understands her role in her sons’ marriages. She not only has four sons, but she has four daughters because of that. I’m hoping to be that same wonderful, godly mother-in-law to Brighton.
So, not only did I tell them my memory of that awkward conversation I had with my dad all those years ago, I also took the opportunity to pass down the same information to Reed. I left them with these endearing words:
“Reed, I love you with all my heart, but once you say ‘I do’ this fall, you can’t come home. And Brighton, you’re stuck with him.”
Comments
Anne Hudnall:
Missy i think that you & Jase are a wonderful couple…you have a great family ..and are very realistic as to everyday life…i truly enjoy when you and your family have scenes on the show…..
Mar 12, 2016
Patricia:
I realize that when you get married you are on a journey to start your own family. Of course that does not mean that you turn your back on your family…..If you are having an issue with your in laws then you need to sit down and have a civilized conversation. One of the commandments is to honor your Mother and Father, I feel like in today’s world people have lost what that means. I also feel like there are spouses that are jealous, clingy, and possesive and that can also cause problems. I am one who always put my child before my husband too, when your children are small they come first, they are not able to care for and do things for themselves.
Mar 12, 2016
Pam:
To Jess:
I left my first husband due to the same reasons as you. I had a small son and had been through some very serious health issues on top of it. I would never had made it w/o the Lord and my families support. My parents took me and my son back in. I remarried almost 4 years ago (after my son was raised. I was divorced for about 16 years before I remarried). This last time, my parents knew I was marrying a good, godly man and told me they didn’t want me to come back. :) But they knew I would be ok because I waited on the Lord and He brought me the right man. I am sure that Missy’s parents understood that she was marrying a good man who would love and respect her and care for her and their family. That gave her dad a lot of freedom to say that with confidence. I don’t believe if you were in an abusive situation, you did anything wrong by getting yourself and your daughter out. I don’t think that is what Missy was saying either. Keep looking to Jesus to be your provider, protector, husband and best friend. Let Him guide you and if the time is right for you, he will bring you a good godly man. Wait for Him and His timing. May the Lord bless you.
Mar 11, 2016
Anonymous :
This is a true testament of what people of any age should be told and made to live up to it by their parents due to divorce. Running out of the marriage when things get tough has become way too easy these days. Marriage is a commitment to your spouse, your extended family, and most importantly God. I know of countless times that I could’ve ran away because life with my spouse and his family’s influence on him was absolutely too much to bare. Staying in the marriage and praying that things would change for the better eventually pays off if you have faith in God. God works in His timeframe, not ours. Infertility, the care of a sick parent and their death, adopting a daughter, not having a helping hand with a new baby while working full time and caring for a sick father, dealing with the death of a second parent, having to be the breadwinner of a household and a wife due to a spouse not concerned with making any money to help support the family and liking someone else carrying that load), continually being verbally and emotionally abused by in-laws who think they are always right and have the right to be disrespectful to a daughter-in-law in front of the grandchild, dealing with a daughter who gets confused constantly about who to obey due to in-laws instructing the her to do direct opposite of what the parents are teaching her about morals/ values/ and just growing into a Godly person, going thru the day to day struggle of being a wife losing her spouse to two horrible diseases (Tertiary Lyme Disease and ALS) while still dealing with in-laws and helping a daughter to understand that life isn’t always fair and people do die young because it is God’s will, and fighting the government every step of the way to get what is needed to care for a slowly dying spouse who needs 24hr care while trying to hold a full time job, struggling to pay the bills to keep one vehicle and a roof over our heads, dying inside a little each day watching your partner in love and life lose his will to live, failing at the attempt to keep your own body from compiling health problems that are being brought on by an enormous amount of stress, and striving to be the Godly example and light for a husband and a daughter are just a few challenges that can come with marriage. They are just a few from my 21 year marriage. Marriage is a full time job and is not a fairy tale. I prayed for God to send the husband He had for me and He did. The trials of marriage and life will always be there. You have to learn to adapt and work thru these with your spouse, even if your spouse doesn’t want to work thru it because it is too hard. The road is long and bumpy, but if you truly love the one you marry, it will be worth it all in the end. People have no idea what lies ahead in life but loving each other through the good and bad times is a must for all marriages to survive. It is best to be honest with your child about how hard life makes a marriage and that running away from the one you love is easy but is not the way to keep a marriage solid and strong so it will sustain the span of time.
Mar 11, 2016
Brittany Jeter:
As the former stepdaughter of a few abusive men, I have to say this is too harsh. I agree to a certain extent, but there has to be a safe place for abused men and women to go. If my grandparents had the same rule, my mom, sister and I might still be in the same situation, with more bruises, and still afraid to be in our own home. Supporting your son’s marriage is a great thing. Supporting an abusive relationship your son is in is more abuse.
Mar 10, 2016
Patricia:
This is fine that a son should leave his mom I’m ok with that , but my son never come home much or my daughter in law never comes and brings our grand baby’s to see me and they live close . But I now have cancer I never see my family much they the girls always see their family on a daily bases and I just suck it up to get along . I really hate that verse I’ve been married 34 years and it is what it is.
Mar 10, 2016
Jess:
Hi,
I just read I love you, but stay out. It’s a good article, but there are some situations where the door needs to be open to come home, such as abuse – mental, emotional, and physical. What this article states to me is as much as I struggle and give everything of myself to save my marriage, that it was wrong for me to escape. I feel the guilt of leaving. I made my vows before God and to Him, that I would love, honor, and cherish my husband for better or worse, in sickness and health until death do us part. Does that mean my daughter and I should have stayed and suffered through the abuse?
Mar 10, 2016
Thank God for your influence :
Lol. We told our daughter and her fiancé that same thing. And any time it comes up we say “no refund, no returns.” Not always easy but people need to know that going in. Thanks for sharing
Mar 10, 2016
J:
The book of Ruth…
Mar 10, 2016
Jessica:
I agree with every word of this article. My question is, how do you fix it once your husband of 15 years suddenly makes his mother the top priority? So much so that he moved her into our home against my wishes. She has lived with us for nearly two years now and has caused nothing but tension and strife. I have tried to talk to him about it. I’ve told him repeatedly how I feel. But he always shrugs it off. She is allowed to criticize me openly. She has lied about me. She has called me all sorts of things in front of my children. But if I speak up to defend myself, I’m the one being disrespectful.
I have seriously considered moving back in with my parents because I don’t know what else to do. I’m at my wits end.
Mar 10, 2016
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