“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.” Genesis 2:24 (NIV)
The week that Jase and I were married, back in the dark ages of 1990, was full of activities. Family was arriving, dresses were being altered and tuxes were being picked up from the rental shop. It was a fun, exciting time full of promise and hopes of a bright future. If you know my dad at all (and especially if you follow him on Facebook), it won’t take you long to realize how much he loves me. He is always complimenting me and telling me how proud he is of the woman I’ve become. He is a positive, energetic, God-fearing, man and has been this way for as long as I can remember.
So, when he stopped me in the hallway of our house one day during that festive week, took me by the shoulders, faced me head on and stated, “Missy, I need to tell you something very important”, it definitely got my attention. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “When you get married on Friday, you can’t come home.”
What? Where in the world did this come from? Maybe I didn’t hear him correctly. So, I asked him to clarify.
Again, he said, “You are not welcome to come back to this house to live after Friday night.”
Needless to say, I was completely offended! My dad didn’t want me anymore? I’m sure I had a look of horror on my face, which lead him to finish with one last thought: “When you have problems with your husband, and you will, you’ll need to work them out. Your mom and I will be here to help you however we can, but you’ll have to go home to your husband.”
Problems? What on earth is he talking about? I’m about to get married to the man of my dreams! What problems could we possibly have?!
Ha!
Twenty-five years later, I still remember that short conversation like it happened yesterday. In fact, I just shared it with Reed and Brighton this past weekend as we were talking about their upcoming wedding and marriage. I also told them about the times that I laid in bed crying and wishing I was back at my parents’ home in the comfort of my upstairs bedroom without all of these challenges and disappointments of my new life. Then I would remember what my dad told me, and I knew I had to go talk to Jase about it.
When we’re young and in love and getting so much wonderful attention from the people around us, it’s completely normal to get caught up in the excitement. But in reality, those of us who have been married for any length of time can honestly say that the excitement of the nuptials will quickly dissipate into a harsh dose of reality. And what is left are two people coming from two different backgrounds from two different families with two different sets of baggage, habits and quirks, and we have to figure out how to make it work.
God was well aware of this situation when he created the union of marriage. He knew our bodies would grow old and we wouldn’t be as attractive to each other as we once were. He knew that we might face financial hardships and have to make hard decisions on how to do what’s best to feed and take care of our families. He knew we might be faced with the death of a child and wants us to rely on each other for support. He created marriage for the specific reason that He did not want us to be alone.
Genesis 2:18 states, “God said, ‘It is not good for the Man to be alone. I’ll make him a helper, a companion.’”
Jase knows everything there is to know about me, my attributes AND my faults, and he has still stuck with me for over twenty-five years. What a blessing to know that he is committed to me no matter what we have gone through and no matter what our future holds. When we said those vows, we had no idea what was waiting for us in the future. But God did. God does. He knew it all when he created the institution of marriage long before we ever existed.
Now that my oldest son, Reed, has chosen Brighton to be his wife, he needs to love her more than he loves me. And I, as his mom, need to understand that. There is no place in a marriage for a man to love his mother more than he loves his wife. And there is no place in a marriage for a mother who hasn’t accepted that. I’ve been abundantly blessed with a mother-in-law who understands her role in her sons’ marriages. She not only has four sons, but she has four daughters because of that. I’m hoping to be that same wonderful, godly mother-in-law to Brighton.
So, not only did I tell them my memory of that awkward conversation I had with my dad all those years ago, I also took the opportunity to pass down the same information to Reed. I left them with these endearing words:
“Reed, I love you with all my heart, but once you say ‘I do’ this fall, you can’t come home. And Brighton, you’re stuck with him.”
Comments
Marta:
Missy, I really needed to read this. I just got married on the 15th of April.
Apr 19, 2016
Diane Wylde :
Hi Missy, I am 62 & a Mother of 4 adult children & a Grandmother of 8 Grandchildren. I come from a very large family. I am the oldest of 7 kids with spouses, I have 18 nieces & nephews & 25 Great Nieces & Great Nephews. My parents are still alive & have been married for 64 years now. There are times in a an adult child’s life that emergencies happen & that adult child just may have to come back home. I, myself had to move back to my parents home for a week due to being Physical Abuse by my husband (now exhusband ). My parents helped me find different place to live for my children and I. It wasn’t easy but we survived. I was married to my 1st exhusband for 14 1/2 years but his drug problem & physical abuse on myself and my kids was unbearable. Then I got married to another man he cheated on me & he was an abusive man too. He divorced me after 2 1/2 years of being married.
My oldest son was in the Army & fighting for our country when his wife (now exwife) abandoned him & his 3 small kids. When he got out of the Army him & his kids had no where to live. My grandkids were too young to live in the street & I don’t believe in a family member (no matter how old they are) to live in the street. My grandkids were only ages 5, 4 & 3 at the time when their Mother up & left them. Their Mother thinks men, drugs & alcohol is more important than them. So my husband and I let my oldest son & his 3 kids move in with us.
The man I am married to now I met in church he is 76 & I am 62, we have been married for almost 17 years now. My husband accepts my adult children and my grandkids. But he is the only Grandfather they know. My grandkids are now 13, 12, 11 that live with us. My oldest son works but doesn’t make enough money to live on his own. He went to college & got a Welding degree. But companies only keep welders for when the work is completed then they get laid off. My oldest son & his 3 kids have a hard life. My 3 grandkids have been abused when they were little by their Mother. DCFS and the state took all of her rights away. So I am my 3 grandkids Mother. I never thought at the age of 62 I would be raising young kids again. But my family and I attend church 3 times a week. My husband and I are part of a Praise and worship team at church. It’s hard on us but God gave us a big home to share. My oldest son also helps us by fixing things that my husband can no longer do anymore.
We are non denominational & I know the Bible says, you gave drink when I was thirsty, you gave me food when I was hungry, you gave me shelter when I needed a place to lay my head.
I was brought up in church & as a Christian we are too help others. Not turn our backs on them. I love my children, my husband, my parents, my entire family. But it’s a different kind of LOVE for each family member.
I do understand that you don’t want your adult son to come back home when he gets married, but things happen in life that we have no control over.
Since my family and I have watched your show over & over & as a Christian we help others no matter who they are or what they have done.
You as a Christian I just can’t believe you would repeat to your adult son what your Father said to you. When I started having children at the age of 25, I told God I didn’t want to be like my Mother. My Mom grew up with out a Mother. She was a drill instructor for women in the U.S. AIR FORCE back in 1950. Now at the age of 84 my Mother still acts like a drill sgt. Hardcore, doesn’t show love of any kind, very cold hearted. My mom never gave us a hug, never told us 7 kids she loved us, never told me she was proud of me for being the only child of 7 that graduated from college. My Dad was a Corporal in the Marines back in 1950. So my siblings and I had a hard life growing up.
But when I needed help to get away from an abusive husband (now exhusband ) my Dad was always there for me.
Anyway I told you about what I went through and how God is using my husband and I to help my oldest son & his 3 kids. Our big home was empty when all my kids moved out. Now we have my oldest son & his 3 kids, which I am glad. Because there are things we can no longer do or fix and he helps out a lot.
In the city where we live, there are lots of adult children and their kids living with the older parents. Why? Because of the economy and because the steel mill has shut down, probably permanently. Our city has closed down 3 schools, next year 2 more schools will be closed as well. Tons of houses up for sale.
So Missy, you never know what is going to happen In your Adult child’s life. Yes, they have problems but as a parent we are to listen and give advice.
I pray that God will be with your son and that nothing will happen to him & his future wife. I still can’t believe you would say that to your child. I would never say anything like that to any of my family members. To me, that doesn’t show Love at all.
That’s my opinion and what my adult kids & I have been through & still going through. But God provides everything in our lives. Have a great day today. Don’t take no offense from what I have said in this message. Jut remember, some day something may happen & he may have to come back home.
Apr 19, 2016
Trish Sweat:
I love the Robertson’s. I really do. I love that Americans are desiring more and more wholesome entertainment.
However, I wish Missi would have given some qualifiers here. This is NOT the type of advice a girl who is about to marry into an abusive relationship needs to hear, but this is just the type of advice she will cling to and hunker down with when she is going through one of the cycles of abuse. Then when the honeymoon phase pops up on the cycle once again, she’ll tell herself “See? I’m so glad I stayed, prayed he would change, and learned to be a more loving wife to him, because oh look how he changed!” Then the cycle starts all over again and she’ll wonder why. She’ll want to leave desperately, like a person in a concentration camp. Yet, she can’t. She feels trapped or guilted into staying.
And these ARE biblical grounds to leave. So, I wish the Robertson’s would use their public platform to discuss biblical grounds for leaving. You know, if our churches and leaders REALLY poured resources and effort into helping victims of domesstic violence and kicking out abusers, this disgusting evil would start declining in huge percentages. But as long as victims are told to stay, pray, and yield to their abusers and abusers are allowed to be involved in church without any oversight or real accountability for their actions, this cycle will keep infecting our churches
Apr 19, 2016
Bethany:
I’m so glad I found your website because you are such a great role model! You and I are about the same age, married for about the same time, but I came from a different background of divorced parents. I have felt like I was on my own, figuring out marriage and being totally committed to making it work with my husband… and it has! Trying to do what God wants has steered me many times. It is nice to hear that you have the same feelings that I do and I love your attitude towards your own children’s marriages. I will remember that! Mine are 18 and 19… and heading eventually towards marriage someday too! Congratulations on Reese’s engagement!
Apr 06, 2016
Latichia Emert:
I really want to thank u for telling ur story. I have lost both my parents but am bout to marrie my best friend of 3years now in the next year or two n i will gain two beautiful step kids. Me n Donnie are both married n working on getting a divorce but we r still very good friends with are husband/wife but we r not good together. I was married 10 years before we split up n i got married at the age 17. We held on a long time but made eachother very misabrle. But ur story has truly blessed my heart n really thank u. May god bless u for 50 plus more years n same to ur son.
Apr 03, 2016
Anne:
Missy, my father told us something very similar to what your dad told you. He told my husband the night he asked permission to marry me "Son I expect you to love her , take care of her, never raise your hand to her. Once you marry her she will not live here again. Y’all make sure that this is what you want for a life time. That was 32 years ago this June and we have a blessed life. Young people need to realize marriage is not a Burger King institution where you can “have it your way”. Thanks for sharing. May God continue to bless you and your family.
Mar 14, 2016
Mike:
I WISH my wife had read this article… A little over a year ago, I had a severe stroke while out of town getting training for a new job, and she has now DUMPED me! Apparently, when she vowed, “For better and for worse, in sickness and in health…” she thought those words only applied to me toward HER…
Mar 14, 2016
Elizabeth:
Thank you so much for your open honesty, it is such a great inspiration as I learn what it means to be a Christian wife and mother.
So many people make marriage appear to be a cake walk, and yes there are those who say it is hard, but even those people never really tell you what “hard” really means…..We tend to go into the “I do” moment so foggy-eyed, myself included, that you think it is a fairy tale sort of thing, where there is no way I would ever end up getting divorced. Until out of nowhere that possibility smacks you in the face…and a crossroad you were never prepared for is at hand…so many take the easiest of the two paths, which makes my heart break as they will never know the greatness God has for them on the other side of those troubled times.
That is why it is so important that both people understand…marriage is hard…and at times the enemy is sneaking his way into your thoughts and mouth…just pushing you to fight for “you”…but it can’t be that way…two have now become ONE…every choice, every decision and that is why your statement is really great! You are essentially telling them to think twice, this is not a decision you take lightly…Christian teaching and discipline at its finest?Mar 13, 2016
Sara Reed:
Zack’s Mother would never do that to Zack. She Loves you both so much and misses you deeply. She says you are always welcome and please come see her.
Mar 12, 2016
Joanne Harvey:
My Husband and I have been married for 36 yrs we had thing we had to work out but I thank God for the work he has done in us. The best legacy we could have left our 3 sons is no matter what you can work it out. Love you and Jace
Mar 12, 2016
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