“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.” Genesis 2:24 (NIV)
The week that Jase and I were married, back in the dark ages of 1990, was full of activities. Family was arriving, dresses were being altered and tuxes were being picked up from the rental shop. It was a fun, exciting time full of promise and hopes of a bright future. If you know my dad at all (and especially if you follow him on Facebook), it won’t take you long to realize how much he loves me. He is always complimenting me and telling me how proud he is of the woman I’ve become. He is a positive, energetic, God-fearing, man and has been this way for as long as I can remember.
So, when he stopped me in the hallway of our house one day during that festive week, took me by the shoulders, faced me head on and stated, “Missy, I need to tell you something very important”, it definitely got my attention. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “When you get married on Friday, you can’t come home.”
What? Where in the world did this come from? Maybe I didn’t hear him correctly. So, I asked him to clarify.
Again, he said, “You are not welcome to come back to this house to live after Friday night.”
Needless to say, I was completely offended! My dad didn’t want me anymore? I’m sure I had a look of horror on my face, which lead him to finish with one last thought: “When you have problems with your husband, and you will, you’ll need to work them out. Your mom and I will be here to help you however we can, but you’ll have to go home to your husband.”
Problems? What on earth is he talking about? I’m about to get married to the man of my dreams! What problems could we possibly have?!
Ha!
Twenty-five years later, I still remember that short conversation like it happened yesterday. In fact, I just shared it with Reed and Brighton this past weekend as we were talking about their upcoming wedding and marriage. I also told them about the times that I laid in bed crying and wishing I was back at my parents’ home in the comfort of my upstairs bedroom without all of these challenges and disappointments of my new life. Then I would remember what my dad told me, and I knew I had to go talk to Jase about it.
When we’re young and in love and getting so much wonderful attention from the people around us, it’s completely normal to get caught up in the excitement. But in reality, those of us who have been married for any length of time can honestly say that the excitement of the nuptials will quickly dissipate into a harsh dose of reality. And what is left are two people coming from two different backgrounds from two different families with two different sets of baggage, habits and quirks, and we have to figure out how to make it work.
God was well aware of this situation when he created the union of marriage. He knew our bodies would grow old and we wouldn’t be as attractive to each other as we once were. He knew that we might face financial hardships and have to make hard decisions on how to do what’s best to feed and take care of our families. He knew we might be faced with the death of a child and wants us to rely on each other for support. He created marriage for the specific reason that He did not want us to be alone.
Genesis 2:18 states, “God said, ‘It is not good for the Man to be alone. I’ll make him a helper, a companion.’”
Jase knows everything there is to know about me, my attributes AND my faults, and he has still stuck with me for over twenty-five years. What a blessing to know that he is committed to me no matter what we have gone through and no matter what our future holds. When we said those vows, we had no idea what was waiting for us in the future. But God did. God does. He knew it all when he created the institution of marriage long before we ever existed.
Now that my oldest son, Reed, has chosen Brighton to be his wife, he needs to love her more than he loves me. And I, as his mom, need to understand that. There is no place in a marriage for a man to love his mother more than he loves his wife. And there is no place in a marriage for a mother who hasn’t accepted that. I’ve been abundantly blessed with a mother-in-law who understands her role in her sons’ marriages. She not only has four sons, but she has four daughters because of that. I’m hoping to be that same wonderful, godly mother-in-law to Brighton.
So, not only did I tell them my memory of that awkward conversation I had with my dad all those years ago, I also took the opportunity to pass down the same information to Reed. I left them with these endearing words:
“Reed, I love you with all my heart, but once you say ‘I do’ this fall, you can’t come home. And Brighton, you’re stuck with him.”
Comments
Mike hope:
You can say that again me and my wife has had our ups and downs but to this day she is the light of my world.
Mar 09, 2016
Stephanie:
After our first fight, we both went to our respective parents homes. My dad told me I was welcome when we were not fighting. So I went back to work it out & my husband’s mother took him to a movie & shopping. But my dad made me go back to my husband & I’ll never forget that!
Mar 09, 2016
Teresa:
We have been married this June 34 years! Lot more downs than up. 3 sons, one daughter in law believes he and their kids should have nothing to do with us because of this verse. But she is constantly with her parents. We haven’t even meet one of our grandsons, haven’t been to the burial of another ( didn’t know about it) and we live in the same town. Weren’t there for our first grandsons birth ( twins). In her eyes she has told our son we never loved him. This is why God says a man should leave his mother and father.
Mar 09, 2016
Ashley:
I love this message, but it also needs to come with a disclaimer about abuse. I’m sure you knew that if your relationship had ever turned abusive, you would know you had a loving family that would shelter you. However, as I grew up in a home where abuse was a given, I believe it is important to separate the two when dealing with issues. I married my husband for better or worse, and although I know he would never put his hands on me or harm me, I know that I have a safe place to turn if he chose to do that. Please don’t consider this criticism, because I do completely agree with this, but we should always make sure that our children know they have a safe place to turn in case something does get violent.
Mar 09, 2016
Name with held for obvious reasons:
I agree with this writing totally. I had a troubled marriage and went home for a short time after marriage and was very unhappy. I am sure my parents were not happy about it or was I. I soon returned to my husband and had many wonderful times and some not so good. The old habits reared their heads and I told no one. I tried to ignore them until after years of therapy I left again but not to go home I went out to live alone and become healthy. Hard work but I learned to get through it. This took many years and started when I woke up one morning and was but a shadow of my self having lost so much weight. I will say that I love my children and have made many mistakes of which I am sorry. No my children do not come to me with their problems.
Mar 09, 2016
Dennis Williams:
Jesus is the way to have a life full of happiness. If every family gave Jesus the key to the home, there would be less stress and more love. Keep Jesus teachings and follow them like you would a road map and you and your family will have a good road ahead for he is the way to go. If only, I followed this back long ago and took the right roads instead of the wrong ones my life and my family’s life would have been happier. We can always go back home to Jesus because Jesus loves us. A pray for you a happy and full healthy life you and your husband and future family, amend and amend.
Mar 09, 2016
Dana :
What if your spouse is verbally abusive, will not work, and tries to keep you from your family?
Mar 09, 2016
Jenn Doner:
I’ve seen parents of the WIFE cause huge damage. Previous to a son’s wedding, many mothers & fathers have already “distanced” themselves because they know it’s the right thing to do, and because it’s expected for “the son to leave his parents.” HOWEVER… some parents of new wives feel it’s their right to call too often, ask personal questions, interfere, criticize the husband, etc. The damage a new bride’s parents can cause is heartbreaking.
Mar 09, 2016
Amy:
While in theory this is a great message, in reality I will never tell my children this. Unfortunately, in this day and age there are too many seemingly wonderful spouses who are falling off the deep end – ones who are abusive (not just physically), ones who cheat obcessively, ones who serve themselves and not their families, etc. Certainly, I would encourage my children to try their hardest to work it out, but at the end of the day if their spouse essentially abandons them and their family (whether literally or figuratively) I want my children to know that they always have me to turn to. I don’t want them staying in a hate filled, Godless pseudo-relationship if (God forbid) that should happen to them simply because they think they have no where to go or will be a huge disappointment. I actually think this is a very dangerous thing to say to your children. You can still impart the importance of working on marriage in the good and bad times while still instilling the fact that if a human fails in keeping their promises their family will be there for them. It’s easy for people to say this is right when it has worked out for them in the end. Its also easy for those same people to say someone should always stay no matter what. Unfortunately, I know far too many friends who thought they were marrying into a Christian relationship and years later find out their partner was anything but. There ARE certain things that one should not stay in a marriage for. Even the Bible proclaims this. That’s just my take on the matter, and what I will instill within my children.
Mar 08, 2016
Laurianne:
Wise words with one caveat: UNLESS you are being abused. Important distinction. My grandfather told my mother she could not come back home after she was married & she had nowhere to turn when it turned out that my father was extremely abusive. This was the 1960’s so no women’s shelters or other resources.
Mar 08, 2016
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