“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.” Genesis 2:24 (NIV)

 

The week that Jase and I were married, back in the dark ages of 1990, was full of activities. Family was arriving, dresses were being altered and tuxes were being picked up from the rental shop. It was a fun, exciting time full of promise and hopes of a bright future. If you know my dad at all (and especially if you follow him on Facebook), it won’t take you long to realize how much he loves me. He is always complimenting me and telling me how proud he is of the woman I’ve become. He is a positive, energetic, God-fearing, man and has been this way for as long as I can remember.

So, when he stopped me in the hallway of our house one day during that festive week, took me by the shoulders, faced me head on and stated, “Missy, I need to tell you something very important”, it definitely got my attention. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “When you get married on Friday, you can’t come home.”

What? Where in the world did this come from? Maybe I didn’t hear him correctly. So, I asked him to clarify.

Again, he said, “You are not welcome to come back to this house to live after Friday night.”

Needless to say, I was completely offended! My dad didn’t want me anymore? I’m sure I had a look of horror on my face, which lead him to finish with one last thought: “When you have problems with your husband, and you will, you’ll need to work them out. Your mom and I will be here to help you however we can, but you’ll have to go home to your husband.”

Problems? What on earth is he talking about? I’m about to get married to the man of my dreams! What problems could we possibly have?!

Ha!

Twenty-five years later, I still remember that short conversation like it happened yesterday. In fact, I just shared it with Reed and Brighton this past weekend as we were talking about their upcoming wedding and marriage. I also told them about the times that I laid in bed crying and wishing I was back at my parents’ home in the comfort of my upstairs bedroom without all of these challenges and disappointments of my new life. Then I would remember what my dad told me, and I knew I had to go talk to Jase about it.

When we’re young and in love and getting so much wonderful attention from the people around us, it’s completely normal to get caught up in the excitement. But in reality, those of us who have been married for any length of time can honestly say that the excitement of the nuptials will quickly dissipate into a harsh dose of reality. And what is left are two people coming from two different backgrounds from two different families with two different sets of baggage, habits and quirks, and we have to figure out how to make it work.

God was well aware of this situation when he created the union of marriage. He knew our bodies would grow old and we wouldn’t be as attractive to each other as we once were. He knew that we might face financial hardships and have to make hard decisions on how to do what’s best to feed and take care of our families. He knew we might be faced with the death of a child and wants us to rely on each other for support. He created marriage for the specific reason that He did not want us to be alone. 

Genesis 2:18 states, “God said, ‘It is not good for the Man to be alone. I’ll make him a helper, a companion.’”

Jase knows everything there is to know about me, my attributes AND my faults, and he has still stuck with me for over twenty-five years. What a blessing to know that he is committed to me no matter what we have gone through and no matter what our future holds. When we said those vows, we had no idea what was waiting for us in the future. But God did. God does. He knew it all when he created the institution of marriage long before we ever existed.

Now that my oldest son, Reed, has chosen Brighton to be his wife, he needs to love her more than he loves me. And I, as his mom, need to understand that. There is no place in a marriage for a man to love his mother more than he loves his wife. And there is no place in a marriage for a mother who hasn’t accepted that. I’ve been abundantly blessed with a mother-in-law who understands her role in her sons’ marriages. She not only has four sons, but she has four daughters because of that. I’m hoping to be that same wonderful, godly mother-in-law to Brighton.

So, not only did I tell them my memory of that awkward conversation I had with my dad all those years ago, I also took the opportunity to pass down the same information to Reed. I left them with these endearing words:

“Reed, I love you with all my heart, but once you say ‘I do’ this fall, you can’t come home. And Brighton, you’re stuck with him.”

Comments

Crys:

I love the message of this blog. It’s a godly message for a godly marriage. This is why the advice of parents, and pastors should be sought prior to marrying someone. Don’t just marry a terrible person and hope and pray that marrying you will change them into good people.

The sanctity and sacredness of marriage is not something taken lightly, which is exactly the message being sent in this blog. Don’t enter into it nonchalantly and don’t have an escape plan ready for when things are not as happy. This blog reaffirms the basic Christian tenets of our faith in terms of marriage. Marrying an abuser (although sometimes it is extremely difficult to tell I understand those situations happen that can’t be helped and divorce may be the best way) or an addict or an alcoholic is a willing decision to stay with them through the good and bad. The best way to avoid this is not divorce, but not doing it.

Mar 08, 2017

Katie Schnettgoecke:

Ha! I was sitting here mad at my husband when came across this. Lol

May 25, 2016

Elaine Riley:

this is a wonderful philosophy, you’ll make a great mother-in-law. I wish I had your kind of in-law. your daughter-in-law to be, is so very fortunate.
We wish them very much happiness. Elaine and gene riley ( 55 years in July )

Apr 25, 2016

Tony joe:

All loves are different ,not better or more .Mom ,Poppy,Brother,Sister,Dad,Grandma ,but to be in love. Now that your wife.

Apr 24, 2016

Serena:

Missy,

Thank you for sharing such an intimate moment with your son and future daughter. Newly weds and “aged-ly weds” alike should smile at this beautiful conversation with your son and your father with you, “You are not welcome to live here anymore.” It must’ve ached your heart to tell your son he’s got to solve his life problems with his new partner and not run home when it gets tough or frustrating. As a parent you want to be able to fix all your kids problems and heartaches.

This past year I got married to the man of my dreams. We have had some amazingly wonderful times in this first year of marriage, but we have also experienced a few of our own reality checks. It’s hard work being married! Everyday deciding to, no matter what they give, give 100 percent of your effort to the other. There are times when I too, have gotten so frustrated and upset with something my husband said or a situation we’re in that it would’ve be so easy to just say, “Nope! This isn’t fun anymore. You’re not listening to me. I’m going to my parents house! See ya later when things get better around here!”. It would be a quick fix to just go home and run away from the problems at hand and spill them to our parents. Doing this would be an easy way to self justify our actions wrong or right with those who already have a biased view on us. They’re the ones who raised us, they want us to be happy! Although it’s important to be self-sufficient,it is also important to be honest and share with your family without fear of judgement or rejection if you need help and are in a abusive and dangerous situation, like ladies have mentioned before. I’m certain you agree completely, and that it was not a situation you were referring to in your post.

Aside from domestic violence which needs immediate physical intervention, it takes a lot of discipline and care to deal with our issues and frustrations on our own with God and on our own with our spouse. Which is the message and intentions I got from your conversation and post. Deciding to, instead of running home, take our problems immediately to God first and then with each other and never being afraid to share our true feelings and thoughts for fear of rejection is how to thrive together. Like you, I always know that both my and my husband’s families would be there immediately should we need advice or to help us should something terrible happen. As far as our growing pains together, we made the decision by getting married to deal with those on our own. Thank you for sharing again!

Apr 23, 2016

Heidi:

Not sure why some of you are not understanding what Missy said. Missy is NOT advocating that anyone stay in abusive situations. She is making it very clear that too many mothers in law meddle in their kids’ lives. Those are completely separate issues. The principle of separating from family remains the same. If there’s abuse that’s an entirely different situation, and I’m guessing if their son abused his wife, they DEFINITELY wouldn’t let him come home!

Apr 22, 2016

Marta:

Missy, I really needed to read this. I just got married on the 15th of April.

Apr 19, 2016

Diane Wylde :

Hi Missy, I am 62 & a Mother of 4 adult children & a Grandmother of 8 Grandchildren. I come from a very large family. I am the oldest of 7 kids with spouses, I have 18 nieces & nephews & 25 Great Nieces & Great Nephews. My parents are still alive & have been married for 64 years now. There are times in a an adult child’s life that emergencies happen & that adult child just may have to come back home. I, myself had to move back to my parents home for a week due to being Physical Abuse by my husband (now exhusband ). My parents helped me find different place to live for my children and I. It wasn’t easy but we survived. I was married to my 1st exhusband for 14 1/2 years but his drug problem & physical abuse on myself and my kids was unbearable. Then I got married to another man he cheated on me & he was an abusive man too. He divorced me after 2 1/2 years of being married.
My oldest son was in the Army & fighting for our country when his wife (now exwife) abandoned him & his 3 small kids. When he got out of the Army him & his kids had no where to live. My grandkids were too young to live in the street & I don’t believe in a family member (no matter how old they are) to live in the street. My grandkids were only ages 5, 4 & 3 at the time when their Mother up & left them. Their Mother thinks men, drugs & alcohol is more important than them. So my husband and I let my oldest son & his 3 kids move in with us.
The man I am married to now I met in church he is 76 & I am 62, we have been married for almost 17 years now. My husband accepts my adult children and my grandkids. But he is the only Grandfather they know. My grandkids are now 13, 12, 11 that live with us. My oldest son works but doesn’t make enough money to live on his own. He went to college & got a Welding degree. But companies only keep welders for when the work is completed then they get laid off. My oldest son & his 3 kids have a hard life. My 3 grandkids have been abused when they were little by their Mother. DCFS and the state took all of her rights away. So I am my 3 grandkids Mother. I never thought at the age of 62 I would be raising young kids again. But my family and I attend church 3 times a week. My husband and I are part of a Praise and worship team at church. It’s hard on us but God gave us a big home to share. My oldest son also helps us by fixing things that my husband can no longer do anymore.
We are non denominational & I know the Bible says, you gave drink when I was thirsty, you gave me food when I was hungry, you gave me shelter when I needed a place to lay my head.
I was brought up in church & as a Christian we are too help others. Not turn our backs on them. I love my children, my husband, my parents, my entire family. But it’s a different kind of LOVE for each family member.
I do understand that you don’t want your adult son to come back home when he gets married, but things happen in life that we have no control over.
Since my family and I have watched your show over & over & as a Christian we help others no matter who they are or what they have done.
You as a Christian I just can’t believe you would repeat to your adult son what your Father said to you. When I started having children at the age of 25, I told God I didn’t want to be like my Mother. My Mom grew up with out a Mother. She was a drill instructor for women in the U.S. AIR FORCE back in 1950. Now at the age of 84 my Mother still acts like a drill sgt. Hardcore, doesn’t show love of any kind, very cold hearted. My mom never gave us a hug, never told us 7 kids she loved us, never told me she was proud of me for being the only child of 7 that graduated from college. My Dad was a Corporal in the Marines back in 1950. So my siblings and I had a hard life growing up.
But when I needed help to get away from an abusive husband (now exhusband ) my Dad was always there for me.
Anyway I told you about what I went through and how God is using my husband and I to help my oldest son & his 3 kids. Our big home was empty when all my kids moved out. Now we have my oldest son & his 3 kids, which I am glad. Because there are things we can no longer do or fix and he helps out a lot.
In the city where we live, there are lots of adult children and their kids living with the older parents. Why? Because of the economy and because the steel mill has shut down, probably permanently. Our city has closed down 3 schools, next year 2 more schools will be closed as well. Tons of houses up for sale.
So Missy, you never know what is going to happen In your Adult child’s life. Yes, they have problems but as a parent we are to listen and give advice.
I pray that God will be with your son and that nothing will happen to him & his future wife. I still can’t believe you would say that to your child. I would never say anything like that to any of my family members. To me, that doesn’t show Love at all.
That’s my opinion and what my adult kids & I have been through & still going through. But God provides everything in our lives. Have a great day today. Don’t take no offense from what I have said in this message. Jut remember, some day something may happen & he may have to come back home.

Apr 19, 2016

Trish Sweat:

I love the Robertson’s. I really do. I love that Americans are desiring more and more wholesome entertainment.

However, I wish Missi would have given some qualifiers here. This is NOT the type of advice a girl who is about to marry into an abusive relationship needs to hear, but this is just the type of advice she will cling to and hunker down with when she is going through one of the cycles of abuse. Then when the honeymoon phase pops up on the cycle once again, she’ll tell herself “See? I’m so glad I stayed, prayed he would change, and learned to be a more loving wife to him, because oh look how he changed!” Then the cycle starts all over again and she’ll wonder why. She’ll want to leave desperately, like a person in a concentration camp. Yet, she can’t. She feels trapped or guilted into staying.

And these ARE biblical grounds to leave. So, I wish the Robertson’s would use their public platform to discuss biblical grounds for leaving. You know, if our churches and leaders REALLY poured resources and effort into helping victims of domesstic violence and kicking out abusers, this disgusting evil would start declining in huge percentages. But as long as victims are told to stay, pray, and yield to their abusers and abusers are allowed to be involved in church without any oversight or real accountability for their actions, this cycle will keep infecting our churches

Apr 19, 2016

Bethany:

I’m so glad I found your website because you are such a great role model! You and I are about the same age, married for about the same time, but I came from a different background of divorced parents. I have felt like I was on my own, figuring out marriage and being totally committed to making it work with my husband… and it has! Trying to do what God wants has steered me many times. It is nice to hear that you have the same feelings that I do and I love your attitude towards your own children’s marriages. I will remember that! Mine are 18 and 19… and heading eventually towards marriage someday too! Congratulations on Reese’s engagement!

Apr 06, 2016

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